Selection #1: Idle dialogue for mod characters as you wander Skyrim.
Ortian, if you drink Jug of Milk: I happen to like milk as well! Especially aged milk. It’s so tart and chunky!
S’enji, waking up after a drunken night out: Laugh. What fun, yes, young reveler? S’enji has a bit more of Revelry’s nectar in his pants somewhere… Would you care to taste of the nectar of his pants?!
Tsashima, if asked to sleep in an owned bed: This bed is angry. Tsashi will not sleep here.
Tsashima, if accepted marriage proposal: You will speak with the priest, yes? Tsashi may have left a fish in his shoes a few weeks ago… He may not listen to her.
Tsashima, anywhere: Gasp! Sugar-claw! …Oh… This one has forgotten what she was going to tell you.
Tsashima, anywhere: Cough hack blegh! Sugar-claw! Have you ever eaten a bug?
(Dunmer) Wait. Of course you have. It is the delicacy of your people, no? Her bug was not seasoned well.
(not Dunmer) Tsashi just did. It was an accident. She does not recommend it.
Selection #2: Ortian when you first meet him upon breaking out of the Solitude jail.
- Ortian: Oh my! You have broken my wall! It is a good thing I have my pants on.
- P: Aaah! What are you doing back here!
- Ortian: I live here! What are you doing back here?
- P: Uh… I’m lost?
- Ortian: So am I. Truly I do not know where I am. But I have made it my home. It is all you can do when you are this lost. At least I have good company. And now you! You can be lost with me.
- P: Uh… I’m lost?
- Ortian: I live here! What are you doing back here?
- P: Ew! Skeevers!
- Ortian: Shhhh!!! You will hurt their feelings!
- P: Their feelings?
- Ortian: Yes. My children are beautiful and gentle creatures with soft little hearts, blessed by our Lord of Pestilence!
- P (Champion of Peryite): It is fate we have met, my friend. I am Peryite’s Champion.
- Ortian: GASP! Champion! It is an honor to meet you! We shall spread Peryite’s gifts to all who defy us! Come, now! There are Legions to poison! (Becomes follower.)
- P: You worship daedra?
- Ortian: Yes. Seems they want me happy and alive more than the Divines did. Well. Not all of the daedra, of course. That would be ridiculous. Peryite. Just Peryite.
- P: Don’t touch me, madman.
- Ortian: You smell of soap and heresy. I was not planning on it.
- P: The Lord of Pestilence?
- Ortian: Peryite? You do not know of him?
- P: Divines, protect me.
- Ortian: Dear child, they will not listen. I wept to them for weeks on end, and still, they stole my love away. I mean no harm, unless you wish to harm my children. They are all I have.
- P (Champion of Peryite): It is fate we have met, my friend. I am Peryite’s Champion.
- Ortian: Yes. My children are beautiful and gentle creatures with soft little hearts, blessed by our Lord of Pestilence!
- P: You’re crazy.
- Ortian: Oh, I know. Have been for many years now. With all the war here, you’re due to join me sooner or later.
- P: You serve Sheogorath or something?
- Ortian: Goodness no! I serve Peryite!
- P: Ok, yeah, that tracks. Serving Peryite requires even more madness than serving Sheogorath.
- Ortian: Perhaps. Perhaps not. I serve natural order. Balance. Perhaps, in time, peace. It is what he would have wanted.
- P: What? He’s the god of pestilence! Why?
- Ortian: A natural death is often a much kinder end than what men and mer dream up to do to each other.
- P: Ok, yeah, that tracks. Serving Peryite requires even more madness than serving Sheogorath.
- Ortian: Goodness no! I serve Peryite!
- P: Well. That got dark quickly.
- Ortian: You expected something different about war? Should I spew the propaganda I was given? Should I tell you that you’ll be a hero? That all the lives you snuff out are monsters with no families, no loved ones? That you will be thanked for all you have done, not kicked like a stray dog in the street, begging for coin? That you will be remembered as a hero, not as a monster? No, no. I will not do that. Not to you. Not to anyone.
- P: You seem to know a great deal about the horrors of war…
- Ortian: Well. I lived them. The Great War was a terrible time. A terrible end. It hurts to think of.
- P: You serve Sheogorath or something?
- Ortian: Oh, I know. Have been for many years now. With all the war here, you’re due to join me sooner or later.
- P: Just keep those things away from me.
- Ortian: Yes, yes, this can be done. They will be kept away from you. You will not hurt them.
- P: Their feelings?
- Ortian: Shhhh!!! You will hurt their feelings!
- P: Uh. I’m glad you have your pants on, too.
- Ortian: Good, good. Now that we have that settled, please fix my wall.
- P: Sorry, I’ve gotta run. I can’t just sit around jail like this.
- Ortian: You are a very rude person. And I am going to be your problem until you fix my wall. (Becomes follower, cannot be dismissed until Wall Quest ends.)
- P: I don’t know how to do that.
- Ortian: Sigh. Do they teach the youth nothing these days? Poor child. Here. Let me show you how to fix walls.
- P: I’ll try?
- Ortian: Good, good. Now please make it quick. You have caused such a draft and so much unpleasant noise.
- P: It’s your wall. You fix it.
- Ortian: My wall?! No! You break it, you buy it! Now it is your wall! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
- P: Don’t tell me what to do with my wall.
- Ortian: Well, I… Hm. I suppose I cannot do that. What do you plan to do with your new wall?
- P: I like it as a window.
- Ortian: And I think it looks simply awful as a window. At least put some glass panes in. Ooh! Some stained glass! Yes! Yes! That would be very pretty!
- P: I’m leaving.
- Ortian: No! You cannot leave! I will… I will come with you! I will be your problem until this wall is fixed! (Becomes follower, cannot be dismissed until Wall Quest ends.)
- P: Don’t tell me what to do with my wall.
- Ortian: My wall?! No! You break it, you buy it! Now it is your wall! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
- P: Sorry, I’ve gotta run. I can’t just sit around jail like this.
- Ortian: Good, good. Now that we have that settled, please fix my wall.
- P: Shh! I’m trying to break out of jail!
- Ortian (Whispering): Oh! Yes! They couldn’t possibly have heard an entire wall being kicked down, could they?
- P: Right. We should get out of here. They’re not going to take kindly to an old mer living in the walls of their prison.
- Ortian (Whispering): Oh! Yes. This is a good idea. I had not thought of that. Just let me gather my children.
- P: The Imperial guards are dumb. They’ll never know.
- Ortian (Whispering): HA! I like you. Yes. We shall be good friends, you and I. Ortian is my name. Would you like some tea?
- P: That Stormcloak lady won’t stop yelling. They probably didn’t hear a thing.
- Ortian (Whispering): This is true. She keeps poor old Ortian awake all the time. Does she ever sleep? Perhaps it is time for her eternal sleep.
- P: Right. We should get out of here. They’re not going to take kindly to an old mer living in the walls of their prison.
- Ortian (Whispering): Oh! Yes! They couldn’t possibly have heard an entire wall being kicked down, could they?
- P: I’m so sorry! I didn’t know anyone lived back here!
- Ortian: That is all right, kiddo. Just little old Ortian and his rats. Would you like a bit of tea since you’re here?
- P: That sounds lovely, thank you, Ortian.
- Ortian: Oh, you are too kind, dear child. It has been many years since I have spoken to man or mer and not been spit upon or chased away with a broom. I have missed it dearly.
- P: I try not to drink anything given to me by strange old men in the walls of prisons…
- Ortian: I am not strange. I am Ortian the Ratkeeper… This is… a prison? Oh dear me. You are… A prisoner, then?
- P: Uh. No thank you.
- Ortian: Ah. I see. I see. You do not wish to commune with our Blighted Lord. Not yet. But he watches over you even so.
- P: What kind of tea?
- Ortian: Oh! The very best kind. Blessed by our Lord and Taskmaster, of course!
- P: That sounds lovely, thank you, Ortian.
- Ortian: That is all right, kiddo. Just little old Ortian and his rats. Would you like a bit of tea since you’re here?
- P: Aaah! What are you doing back here!
Selection #3: A conversation with Tsashima, if you are a cannibal.
- P: You really want to die and be eaten?
- Tsashi: You were going to eat Tsashima? She assures you, she is not very tasty. Trust Tsashi, she has seen and done many strange things during her visits to the Isles.
- P: You ate yourself?
- Tsashi: This one found a bush with berries growing that looked like little Tsashimas! She ate many of them, of course, but they did not taste good, and gave her quite a stomachache.
- P: I don’t even want to know.
- Tsashi: Tsashima did not want to know what she tasted like either.
- P: Oh, from licking yourself clean, right?
- Tsashi (Khajiit): Is that how you clean yourself? Tsashi prefers a nice warm bath.
- Tsashi (Khajiit): You are a shame to our people.
- P: You ate yourself?
- Tsashi: You were going to eat Tsashima? She assures you, she is not very tasty. Trust Tsashi, she has seen and done many strange things during her visits to the Isles.
Selection #4: Tsashima, if you ask her for advice on how to access other realms.
- P: I need some advice.
- Tsashi: Laugh. Uh… This one must have misheard you, yes? She thought you said you wanted advice from Tsashima? Do you want to wind up in Oblivion without your shoes and with a fish in your hat?
- P: Sounds like a good way to fish.
- Tsashi: …No. It is very slimy on the fur. And unexpected fish are stinky, no?
- P: You know what, I do hate these shoes.
- Tsashi: Then Tsashi will eat them. Hold out your foot, sugar-claw. (Remove shoes. Tsashi burps.)
- P: I have feelings for someone.
- Tsashi: Ooohhhh! Tsashi is certain you will only need to say so, for in meeting such a wonderful soul as you, anyone would be immediately swept off their feet, no?
- P: Yes. How do I go to Oblivion?
- Tsashi: Which realm do you seek?
- P: The Shivering Isles.
- Tsashi (hip bone in pocket, not completed Sheogorath quest): The hip bone, yes? It is a key! You must go to the Pelagius wing. All will become clear. Or not. Probably not. Such is the way of the Isles.
- Tsashi (otherwise, no memories): Hrm… This one has trouble remembering how she first got there… Perhaps we go ask Sheggorath, yes?
- Tsashi (otherwise, with memories): Tsashima will not tell you, sugar-claw. She would not wish this upon anyone.
- P: Apocrypha.
- Tsashi: Herma Mora has many books that are portals, yes? If you should read such a book, the tentacles will eat you.
- P: The Soul Cairn.
- Tsashi (not been): The what?
- Tsashi (been): Silly sugar-claw. You know how to go to the Soul Cairn! You walk into the creepy purple pit in the creepy laboratory of the creepy haunted vampire castle, yes?
- P: Sovngarde.
- Tsashi: Laugh. Sugar-claw! Sovngarde is not in Oblivion! Surely you know this?
- (if been there) You have been there!
- (if not been there) But Tsashi would prefer you did not die a heroic death. Or any death at all.
- Tsashi: Laugh. Sugar-claw! Sovngarde is not in Oblivion! Surely you know this?
- P: The Realms of Revelry.
- Tsashi (been): Surely your dear Uncle Sanguine can let you in? Morvunskar, yes?
- Tsashi (not been): Hrm… Probably get very drunk and do many silly things. Then Sanjiin may listen, yes?
- P: Fargrave.
- Tsashi: Oh… Tsashi would think a book would tell you. Perhaps in the College. Or Apocrypha.
- P: The Hunting Grounds.
- Tsashi (werewolf): Do not rush your life, sugar-claw. You will be there when you are dead, yes? Perhaps enjoy Nirn while you can?
- Tsashi (Katja is Vateshran): You went there once to help the Reachfolk, yes? Perhaps that portal is still open.
- Tsashi (Aima is Vateshran): This one would not suggest you go there. Hircine may be angry with what you did in those Hollows.
- Tsashi (no Vateshran): This one does not know. Unless you were to become a werewolf and die. But she does not recommend this option.
- P: The Deadlands.
- Tsashi (Katja is Vateshran): You went there once to help the Reachfolk, yes? Perhaps that portal is still open.
- Tsashi (Aima is Vateshran): Do not go to the Deadlands, sugar-claw. Merrunz is a very angry kitten, yes? He will not forget what you have done. And angry kittens bite.
- Tsashi (no Vateshran): This one does not know. She also does not know why you would wish to go to such a toasty and angry place. At least the Isles were fun. Sometimes.
- P: Coldharbour.
- Tsashi (Katja is Vateshran): You went there once to help the Reachfolk, yes? Perhaps that portal is still open.
- Tsashi (Aima is Vateshran): Do not go there, sugar-claw! Even as weak as he is now, Molagh will not look kindly on you for stomping on his servants in the Hollows.
- Tsashi (no Vateshran): Uh. Sugar-claw? Why would you want to go to such a horrible place?
- P: The Spiral Skein.
- Tsashi: Perhaps the spiders know. It is a pity they are not more friendly. They have so many arms to hug with.
- P: The Void.
- Tsashi: Tsashi would not see you dead and forgotten so quickly, sugar-claw.
- P: The Shivering Isles.
- Tsashi: Which realm do you seek?
- P: Sounds like a good way to fish.
- Tsashi: Laugh. Uh… This one must have misheard you, yes? She thought you said you wanted advice from Tsashima? Do you want to wind up in Oblivion without your shoes and with a fish in your hat?
Selection #5: A conversation with Sathyr if you are an Argonian (lizard-person).
- P: What do you think of Dexion’s plan?
- Sathyr: I think it is massively stupid! How can he expect you to wield the damn thing if you’re blind!
- P: The Falmer can do it.
- Sathyr: Well. Yes. They’ve been blind for eras. They hear better and whatnot. But you don’t even have ears!
- P: Sorry, what did you say?
- Sathyr: I SAID: YOU ARE AN EARLESS FETCHER!!! AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE AN EYELESS FETCHER ALSO!!! (Whisper mumble.) Because I love you or whatever, s’wit…
- P: Oh no! Where did they go?!
- Sathyr: How in Oblivion should I know? I’d bet Sithis ate them or something.
- P: Actually I do have ear-holes.
- Sathyr: And are an arsehole.
- P: Cloaca.
- Sathyr: I. Well. Ugh. I didn’t want to think about your… Uh. Never mind.
- P: Really? You seem to be chasing everyone’s cloaca.
- Sathyr: What?! No. Just—Uh. Mephala’s tits. Not everyone even has one of those.
- P: Pity. It’s a good cloaca.
- Sathyr (Friends): Oh? Really? Hm. Maybe I’ll have to see about that later. Ahem. Or just let it go. It’s a weird word.
- P: Cloooooaaaacccaaa. Cloaca. Cloaca cloaca cloaca cloaca cloacaa!
- Sathyr (Romance): I know, I know. Stop being a fetcher about it. That word is weird.
- P: Cloooooaaaacccaaa. Cloaca. Cloaca cloaca cloaca cloaca cloacaa!
- Sathyr (Friends): Oh? Really? Hm. Maybe I’ll have to see about that later. Ahem. Or just let it go. It’s a weird word.
- P (Romance): Please, that’s all you think about.
- Sathyr: Sigh. I think about other parts of you, too, love. Constantly.
- P: You’re cute when you get all awkward.
- Sathyr: I… Huh?! You think I’m… Uh. Well. I mean. Of course I am. I’m fetching gorgeous or whatever. Just like you, darling. Nervous giggle.
- P: Really? You seem to be chasing everyone’s cloaca.
- Sathyr: I. Well. Ugh. I didn’t want to think about your… Uh. Never mind.
- P: Cloaca.
- Sathyr: And are an arsehole.
- P: Sorry, what did you say?
- Sathyr: Well. Yes. They’ve been blind for eras. They hear better and whatnot. But you don’t even have ears!
- P: The Falmer can do it.
- Sathyr: I think it is massively stupid! How can he expect you to wield the damn thing if you’re blind!
Selection #6: Meeting Gwilfin if he is drunk enough to mistake you for a dead crewmate.
- Gwilfin, if Player is Orc Dude: Gwilfin: And another toast to the—DUBDUB?! Haha! My boy! How did you? Ohhh… You did a map. So good with those maps. Put me right on there, huh? Good job, buddy. Good job.
- P: Maps? What in the Ashpit are you on about, little elf?
- Gwilfin: Pfff!!! You did even more of a drink than I did do! Maps! You know what maps are! The little paper thingies with the lines and the words and stuff! To look like the places!
- P: Maps? What in the Ashpit are you on about, little elf?
- Gwilfin, if Player is Redguard Dude: And another toast to the—holy swill. Daddy? Uh. No. That’s not right. You’re not my father. Pretend you never… You never saw that with your ears. You’re… living?
Selection #7: Mod Character responses to vanilla dialogue.
Anyone: “Don’t like your eyes, there’s a bad hunger to them.”
Tsashima: Oh? You are hungry, sugar-claw? Would you like a cupcake? Tsashi may have sat on it earlier, but it should still be tasty, yes?
Brelfik: Eyes shiny! Pretty, not hungry. Would eat them if not friends. Hm. Now Brelfik hungry.
Selection #8: From book 1 of my fantasy series, narrated by a young King Arthur, working out battle plans with his teen and early 20s knights.
I scooted back across the table in a highly undignified fashion and returned to standing. “Does anyone know our current oil supply?”
“Almost gone.” Perceval shook his head. “We will need other flammable things.”
“What’s that flammable?” I asked the group.
“Butter?” Kay said uncertainly.
“Wood,” Lamorak added. Kay, Alister, and Bedivere all started laughing.
“If you pee on a mushroom that works,” Alister added with a completely serious face once he stopped laughing. Everyone but Alister laughed.
“Hey, I was born underwater, don’t look at me!” Bedivere laughed when I turned to him for answers.
“Farts,” Perceval said quietly.
“Wait WHAT!” Kay stood up. “Seriously?!”
Kay and I exchanged a glance. “WART YOU GOTTA FART! BAHAHA! IT RHYMES!”
“I am the King! I’m not going to fart!”
“FART!” Kay ran over to me, lighting her hands on fire.
“KAY!” I yelled back at her.
“FART! FART! FART!” Kay began the chant, but by the end, everyone was chanting loudly at me to pass gas.
Alister finally got off the table. “I’m going to the kitchens! He needs to eat oats and milk!” Lamorak dashed off after him, yelling that he was going to help because I needed a lot of oats, apparently.
Perceval grinned devilishly at me. “This is going to be so good! How humiliating would it be to die from a fart?!”
I finally joined in on the laughter. I hadn’t let myself do anything like this since I’d become king. Bedivere began clearing a “safety zone” for my fart and explained how he was going to pee on the fire if it got bad. Alister and Lamorak ran back into the room, carrying a sack and a jug. Alister poured a bunch of oats into the jug of milk. Lamorak grabbed it and ran over to me.
Everyone began to chant, “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” I grinned and shook my head as I began to chug the too-liquidy oatmeal. Everyone cheered as I nearly downed half the jug. I set it down and took a deep breath. Kay started the chant again, quietly, “Fart. Fart. Fart. Fart! Fart! FART! FART! FART!” Until everyone in the room was screaming it at the top of their lungs, waiting for me to do the deed, as Kay stood behind me with flaming hands.
I felt the time approaching and called out to my friends, “IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!” Everyone went wild, cheering.
A bright flash of green light, followed immediately by the appearance of a very grumpy looking Merlin caused all of us to scream, and me to fart. The fart did indeed light on fire. Much more violently than any of us had expected. Everyone screamed. Bedivere ran over without his pants to attempt to put the fire out. Alister and Perceval ran to collect the forbidden books. After a long, loud, fiery moment, there was a moment of horrified silence.
“What in the name of all that is holy is going on in here?” Merlin growled in his angry teacher voice. Everyone looked to me.
“Uh. Battle strategy…?” My voice cracked.
“That settles it. You need a wife.” Merlin buried his face in his hands.
Selection #9: From book 1 of my fantasy series, narrated by a young King Arthur, discussing his wedding to Lenora with his sister, Kay.
“Are the preparations for the ceremony complete, seneschal?” I asked, looking back to my own reflection, worried she would see through my façade.
“Which ones? The wedding ones or the crash the wedding ones?” Kay walked fully into my room, uninvited, and stood behind me, talking to my reflection.
“There are to be no wedding crashing preparations, Kay. I know what must be done, and I will not shy from my duty.”
Kay snorted. “Heh. Duty.” I rolled my eyes. How could she remain so childish? “All right, Your Royal Seriousness, I’ll remove the pigs.”
“The what?!” I whirled around to her, but she was already gone. I did not want to know how pigs were involved in her plans to ruin my wedding smoothly and diplomatically.