Writing Portfolio: Sassy/Snarky

Selection #1: Idle dialogue for various mod followers while wandering Skyrim.

Katja, in Riften: You know what that fancy tyrant, Maven needs? A nice, new, properly forged dagger. Right through her skull.

Sathyr, when stealing: What did you take now, darling? Something valuable? Or another fetching bowl?

Za’sava, if Player is a friend and is wearing an Amulet of Mara: Ah, very clever, kitten. A protective amulet against the wrath of Maramal!
Za’sava, if asked to sleep in an owned bed: As a thief, this one does not make a habit of sleeping where he might be caught…
Za’sava, once you’ve slayed Alduin: Yes, yes, well done, you slayed the big lizard. You slay thirty of them a week, no? Big deal.
Za’sava (burned too many bees): Kitten. This one believes Brynjolf was quite clear about your instructions… You can count, yes? This is more than three hives. You have made a mess of this.

Lerelius, in Dwemer Ruin: Everyone’s always so concerned about where the Dwemer went. I’m not. Wherever it is, they won’t be missed.
Lerelius, in Dwemer Ruin: You should have seen Dwemer parties. They were simply awful. Makes even the most uncomfortable mortal parties I’ve been to seem pleasant.
Lerelius in Player House Hjerim, if you did not clean up the Butcher’s mess: Ugh. Couldn’t you clean up a bit before inviting me over? That’s just disgusting.
Lerelius, waking up from a Night to Remember if hostile: Oh, sweet Umbra. This sounds like the start of a bad joke: a suave and handsome vampire and a petulant mortal vampire hunter wake up in a Temple of Dibella, side by side…

Sarulndil, if friends and he catches you sneaking: Sigh… You really are a prodigy of stealth, aren’t you?
Sarulndil, if married and kids adopted mudcrab: I swear to Dagon, love. If they don’t quit putting that damn crab in my bed while you’re gone, I will cook it for dinner.

Aradriel, if you drink Jug of Milk: I swear if I get called a milkdrinker one more time for drinking the only thing I usually can at taverns here, I will shit in everyone’s dolled up mead.

Nuraaza, asked to carry stuff: Of course I’ll carry your things… Just don’t count on getting all of them back.

Selection #2: Taurecalmo while exploring a ruin with colleagues and students.

Taurecalmo: Oh, that must be the other enchanted item… Mora’s eyeballs. What a lazy bastard. Wait! Don’t just rip it off the wall! There could be—(Trap goes) Traps… Gane! Get your thieving little arse over here immediately! Your laziness just—Oh. Hello Tolfdir.

Selection #3: Waking up in a temple to a goddess of beauty after a drunken night out with Viane, a blind beggar/rebel mage.

Viane: Well. Looks fine to me, priestess! Seeing as you’ve turned a blind eye to the suffering in the Warrens cause we’re not pretty enough to live… I’ll turn a blind eye to whatever you need from us.

Selection #4: Waking up from a drunken night out and being found by your young assassin apprentice.

Aventus: Well there you are! I used all my assassin training to find you! I stole Astrid’s shadow horse from the pool and ran all around Skyrim looking for you! You owe me like. Ten sweet rolls. And you have to tell Astrid that you took her horse.

Selection #5: Mannimarco, the Worm King, when asked about an ancient tablet depicting a map of local dragon burial sites.

Mannimarco: Nothing. It’s just a map. Lazy mage bastard couldn’t be bothered to open a book about dragons. Apparently, he needs a picture instead.

Selection #6: Melsyra’s response to an argument between the enemy generals of the Civil War.

Melsyra: Oh, for the love of Mephala. We did not come here to pass bits of Skyrim around like a children’s ball. Can’t you s’wits agree to take a few days off from killing each other so we don’t all die?!

Selection #7: Conversations with Svalith, an ancient vampire and former lover of Queen Potema.

  • P: I’m sure you’re exaggerating. No one could survive like this for centuries.
    • Svalith: For love and for ambition, one might suffer a great many more hardships than even centuries of enslavement to weak, twisted elves not even fit to clean your chamber pot.
  • P: Are you a vampire?
    • Svalith: What gave it away? The fangs? The ancient armor? The skin nearly as pale as my captors? The glowing eyes?
      • P: I hunt vampires. You should be a bit more cautious.
        • Svalith: I am too old to fear one little mortal. But I know you fear becoming like me. Even in my weakened state, one bite, one scratch, and your life and soul are forfeit.
      • P (if vampire): I know one of my kin when I see one.
        • Svalith (if common vampire): You are no kin of mine. You are but a small, insignificant kotu gava, thinking itself something far greater.
        • Svalith (if vampire lord): You are powerful, and perhaps one day, we could be kin. Assuming you end your meddling with those petty Volkihar lapdogs and embrace your true nature and true power.
  • P: I cannot. Potema is too evil to risk having return.
    • Svalith (if player is woman): Potema is not evil. She was powerful, and weak men fear such things. Surely you know how they speak of women like you and I.
    • Svalith (if player is man): Potema is not evil. She was powerful. Weak men fear such things. Are you weak?
  • P: Millennia? Do you know what happened to the Dwemer?!
    • Svalith: Of course not. One day those elven pricks were here, running around with brass sticks up their butts. The next they were gone. I say good riddance.

Selection #8: Conversation with Svalith, an ancient vampire, if you’re a vampire hunter.

  • P (Dawnguard): I’m with the Dawnguard, actually.
    • Svalith: The… Dawnguard? What are you trying to do? Fend off the sun?
      • P: Actually, the exact opposite of that.
        • Svalith: I have much business to discuss, but this I must hear. Is someone actually trying to fight the sun?
          • P: Yep. Lord Harkon, leader of the Volkihar Clan.
            • Svalith: That little pup is still kicking around? I would have thought the other, vaguely more competent Volkihar lords would have torn out his throat by now.
              • P: Ancient, incredibly powerful vampire lords don’t scare you at all?
                • Svalith: Not if I’ve seen their great-grandparents in diapers.

Selection #9: Mannimarco, the King of Worms, brought back to “life” yet again to cause trouble, when you first talk to him.

  • Mannimarco: I am sure my foolish little servant has her reasons for bringing me here, but you remain an unknown. Those of your caliber tend to be the ones to send me back to Coldharbour. Why allow me to return?
    • P: We need your help.
      • Mannimarco: Laugh. Well, well… That’s certainly a new one. What desperate situation could possibly drive you to ask me for help?
    • P: I want to learn from the best.
      • Mannimarco: Hm. Fair enough. Do as I say, and I’ll show you what I know. Cross me, and I’ll make your corpse my wiper.
    • P: Don’t speak about my friend like that. You’d be rotting in Coldharbour without her.
      • Mannimarco: Ugh. Hardly. I had other tools in play. She merely got to it first. Because she had your help. Now. Your soul. What’s the deal with it? Do you even know it’s out of the ordinary?
    • P: I was just helping my friend. Ask her.
      • Mannimarco: Hm. Perhaps. Do you even know who I am? What you have done with your wholesome little quest to help your pathetic little friends?
    • P: Whoa. You’re not what I expected.
      • Mannimarco: Really? And what did you expect of the Worm King, exactly?
        • P: You should be thanking Nenmaire. You’re kind of an ass.
          • Mannimarco: Do not presume to tell a god what to do. Though your irreverent gumption does amuse me.
            • P (Bard’s College): Thank the gods my Bard’s College training is finally coming in handy to entertain you, your worminess.
              • Mannimarco: Oh no. Send me back. Wait. Scratch that. He’ll have seen this and add Xivkyn bards to sing at me ceaselessly. If you’ve ever heard a Xivkyn sing… Wait, no, you’re alive. You wouldn’t be if you had.
        • P: Thought you’d be taller.
          • Mannimarco: And I thought you would have read enough about me to show marginally more deference.
        • P: I was expecting a skeletal monster, not uh… Hot.
          • Mannimarco: Laugh. You amuse me. Is “skeletal monster” truly how the history books describe me? Fascinating. I didn’t realize that falmer could write.
            • P: And a sense of humor? Damn, what a catch.
              • Mannimarco: What now? By my Moon, I do hope you didn’t summon me in hopes of… Whatever debaucherous thoughts are running through your little mind right now.
        • P: You’re not a worm?!
          • Mannimarco: I… Have no response to that.
            • P: Do the worms serve you? Is that why you’re the Worm King?
              • Mannimarco: I am going to choke the life out of you, if you say anything else as thoroughly inane as what you have said thus far.
                • P: Don’t threaten me with a good time.
                  • Mannimarco: Very deep sigh.
            • P: Oh… Do you have a worm soul, like I have a dragon soul? Worm and Wyrm?
              • Mannimarco: You’re Dragonborn? Oh dear. I thought Varen was an idiot. The Empire truly has no hope whatsoever if you’re the Emperor.
            • P: Guess you don’t have a sense of humor. Pity.
              • Mannimarco: Then perhaps you should have summoned a jester from the Shivering Isles or the Realms of Revelry. Centuries of imprisonment and torture don’t make for a very cheery disposition, I’m afraid.
            • P: Then why are you called the Worm King?
              • Mannimarco: I don’t have to explain myself to you.
    • P: Is Skyrim seriously worse than Coldharbour? Or were you on some sort of vacation to another realm of Oblivion?
      • Mannimarco: A vacation? What in the Aurbis do you think goes on in Coldharbour, you ignorant fool?

Selection #10: Rashenn’s response to rude vanilla dialogue about a vampire Dragonborn.

Anyone: “Don’t like your eyes, there’s a bad hunger to them.”
Rashenn (Dragonborn Known): Oh, right, of course there’s a hunger in her/his eyes. It’s been a while since she’s/he’s slain a dragon to protect your sorry arse.

Selection #11: Mod characters’ responses to the iconically annoying Nazeem’s line from vanilla Skyrim.
Nazeem: “Get to the Cloud District often? What am I saying? Of course you don’t.”

Mannimarco (Not Close): (Soul traps and kills Nazeem.) I’ll be sure to bring your soul up to the Enchanting table up there and throw you into a pair of boots made for someone who actually visits.
Melsyra: As a personal friend of Irileth, I can say quite confidently that you’ve never been to Dragonsreach, s’wit.
Fredlgeth: Hey, milkdrinker, you sleep in the attic of the Drunken Huntsman and your wife hates you. You’re not special. And I’ve certainly never seen you go to Dragonsreach.
S’tesh-Dar: Sir, S’tesh-Dar tried to rob your farm a while back and he left you a bag of septims because you had none to spare, and he felt bad for you.

Selection #12: Mod Characters’ responses to vanilla orc miner dialogue.

“I’m here to mine, outlander. So unless you want to dig, get out.”
Saru: Sigh. Do I look like I’m here to dig? I must need a bath.
Taurecalmo: Oh, I’m so sorry. Unless there’s a ruin here, I’d rather not get my hands dirty.
Nuraaza: Psst. Dig through what they’ve already dug up. Anything shiny?

Selection #13: A conversation with Minexa.

  • P: Why would they only steal a claw?
    • Minexa: Really? You’re confused about why some thieves would steal a valuable, golden artifact that might unlock a vast amount of treasure over any of the homemade crap in this provincial store?
      • P: Hey! I made some of that crap!
        • Minexa (Alchemy 50+): Oh, I didn’t mean your potions, dear. Those are adequate. Everything else, though…
        • Minexa (Smithing 50+): Oh, I didn’t mean the things you’ve crafted, dear. Those are adequate. Everything else, though…
        • Minexa (Alchemy 90+/Smithing 90+): No, no. You didn’t make any crap. But you did sell it to a shop that previously only sold crap.
        • Minexa (Neither high enough): Indeed you did. I wish you hadn’t wasted our time with doing that.

Selection #14: From book 1 of my fantasy series, narrated by Lenora as she’s about to duel her soon to be beloved.
I walked right up to Alister and glared at him. He extended a hand, and we shook to begin the duel. “To a chivalrous duel,” He said venomously.
“Fuck chivalry,” I replied.
“You’re right, for once. Fuck chivalry.”
I smirked. He’d finally admitted I was right. “Let’s kill each other.”

Selection #15: From my fantasy movie parody screenplay, when Princess is captured while trying to rescue Heroine.
Heroine: Princess? How? What?
Princess: I was supposed to rescue you.
Heroine: Well. That went smoothly.
Princess: I almost pulled it off! I was so close!
Heroine: I’m sure you were.
Princess: I’m serious! Why does no one take me seriously?
Heroine: You’re wearing a skirt.
Princess: It’s a dress.
Heroine: Same difference.
Princess: I never should have come here.
Heroine: Yeah. Rescuing doesn’t seem to be your forte.
Princess: I intimidated a shieldmaiden, killed two thirds of the guard, and beat Villain in a fight. I am the sole heir to this kingdom. I know what I am doing. And if you’re going to be just as bad as your male counterpart, then I never should have come to save you.
Heroine: I am not as bad as Hero. Would you prefer to be chained in here with him?
Princess: Hell no. But as long as you’re going to treat me like he does, you’re just as bad.
Heroine: Some truths aren’t pretty. Maybe they didn’t teach you that in finishing school.
Princess: I never went to finishing school. (She draws her dagger on Heroine.) Nearly all my family was murdered. I had to sit through hours of makeup to cover my bruises and cuts and scars every single day to pass as a proper princess while training to be a king. My life was no more cushy than yours, wolf girl. Show a little respect or gratitude. I am royalty and I came to rescue you, something your beloved Hero couldn’t even do. And if you ever—
Heroine: Give me that dagger. I can get us out of here.
Princess: You’ve got pants, I guess you know everything.
Heroine: Have you ever picked a lock with a dagger?
Princess: Have you?
Heroine: No. But I can do it!
Princess: Yeah, good luck with that, honey. I’m going the bobby pin route. Thanks for the idea! Teamwork is the way to go.

Selection #16: From my fantasy movie parody screenplay, when Hero and Friar confront Villain, who holds all the cards—Heroine, Princess, and a magical Pendant that is a weapon of mass destruction.
Villain: Ah, this will be even sweeter. I will marry Heroine, and you will watch.
Hero: Pendant. Do something.
Pendant: I do not answer to you, beautiful man.
Hero: I AM PRETTY. OBEY ME.
Pendant: Cute. That’s not how the world works. Villain knows I’m a weapon. And not even Heroine could make me go back to the loser side.
Friar: Vodka? Could vodka make you go back?
Villain: He will not cave for cheap booze.
Friar: What makes you think I buy cheap booze?
Villain: You wear that ugly brown thing.
Friar: I like it.
Villain: Why, is it comfortable? Isn’t that a sin?
Friar: You are so well versed in sin, Villain. Impressive.