Selection #1: A conversation with Sathyr.
- P: I won’t kill you if you won’t kill me. Pinky promise.
- Sathyr: Getting serious, here, are we, darling? Pinky promises?
- P: Gosh, we’re practically married now.
- Sathyr: No, my sweet nix-hound. Marriages end. Pinky promises? Those are forever.
- P: Gosh, we’re practically married now.
- Sathyr: Getting serious, here, are we, darling? Pinky promises?
Selection #2: A conversation with Nuraaza, who was raised by magical crows.
- P: What do you think of this plan to get into the box?
- Nuraaza: It seems more effective than whatever in Oblivion that poor madman has tried thus far. I’m looking forward to whatever treasures lie inside.
- P (Thieves’ Guild): But the Guild doesn’t kill…
- Nuraaza (Guildmaster): That’s just what we tell new blood to keep them in line. Surely you know that by now.
- Nuraaza (Nightingale): We’re different. We don’t answer to them. We answer to Nocturnal.
- Nuraaza (No Rank): Nocturnal’s the Prince of Secrets. No one has to know.
- P (Thieves’ Guild): But the Guild doesn’t kill…
- P: So no issue with murder?
- Nuraaza: Of course not! I was raised by a murder.
- P: A murderer?
- Nuraaza: Many.
- P: A murderer?
- P: What?
- Nuraaza: Of crows! LAUGH!
- P: Ha! Nice pun.
- Nuraaza: Good to see you have a sense of humor.
- P: GROAN…
- Nuraaza: Aw, come on. Lighten up a little, will you?
- Nuraaza: Of course not! I was raised by a murder.
- Nuraaza: It seems more effective than whatever in Oblivion that poor madman has tried thus far. I’m looking forward to whatever treasures lie inside.
Selection #3: A form of multiplayer branching dialogue where players respond to each other in my new game, Forest Sauvage.
- Wart: What are we doing today?
- Kay: Training with my father and Merlin.
- Kay: Just follow me, Wart.
- Kay: No idea.
- Wart: (Pull Kay’s hair.)
- Kay: Ow! What was that for?!
- Kay: (Push Wart into the mud.)
- Wart: (Cry.)
- Wart: (Roll in the mud like a piglet.)
- Wart: (Tackle Kay.)
- Kay: Do that again, and I’ll drag you into the forest while you’re sleeping and leave you for the fairies.
- Wart: Do we really have to train? I’m tired and sore.
- Kay: Of course not, Wart. Training’s for those who are going to be knights, not stable boys.
- Wart: Ok. I’m going to go take a nap.
- Wart: Hey! I’m going to be a knight, just like you!
- Kay: Papa said we have to. Merlin’s coming.
- Wart: Yay! Merlin!
- Wart: Oh no. I’m going to get turned into a bird again…
- Kay: Suck it up, buttercup.
- Wart: I’m going to tell Papa.
- Wart: (Cry.)
- Kay: Of course not, Wart. Training’s for those who are going to be knights, not stable boys.
Selection #4: A confrontation between S’enji, an ancient vampire, and the evil Daedric Prince, Molag Bal to rescue his friend Llenlea. Dialogue in italics is repurposed dialogue from vanilla Skyrim.
(Llenlea screams below.)
S’enji: Dark moons! His friend! (S’enji runs off.)
S’enji (at altar): Tsk, tsk. Did this one teach you nothing of walking into obvious traps, pretty little elf?
Llenlea: Huh? S’enji…? Is that you?
S’enji: Hm. Let him check. Tail, check. Claws, check. Fangs, check. Sujamma, mostly check. Yes, it seems to be S’enji.
Llenlea: S’enji! This isn’t the fetching time for joking! He’s killing me!
S’enji: Ah. This is not good. Say… Mr. Balls, your old friend S’enji has a bone to pick with you, yes?
Molag Bal: No. I want submission.
S’enji: Laugh. Oh, Mr. Balls, submission must be earned, no? You are a weak little kitten. Nothing more.
Molag Bal: Weak. You are weak. You will die!
S’enji: Oh? You intend to talk this one to death? Bore poor old S’enji into Oblivion?
Molag Bal: Fool! I have my own champion this time!
S’enji: Sigh, Mr. Balls. This one and his drinking companions have no time to play with your imaginary friends.
Molag Bal: Crush him! (BIG boss vampire spawns with supporting daedra. Trap opens. S’enji transforms into his Vampire Lord form.)
Llenlea: Oh for Sanguine’s sake, S’enji! (Llenlea runs to S’enji and player.)
Molag Bal: You will kill. You will kill, or you will die! But, I offered you a reward. (Llenlea and player are turned into Vampire Lords.) Kill! (Boss fight.)
Selection #5: If you’re on the run from the guards and go hide in Balki’s farmhouse. Dialogue in italics is repurposed vanilla dialogue.
Balki: Aah! Oh. Hello there. You surprised me. Are you here to buy crops?
P: The guards are after me. I need a place to lie low.
Balki: I appreciate the honesty. Come with me. Quickly. (Balki opens a bookcase secret door that leads to a little secret storage area.) Go on. I’ll handle the guards. (Balki closes the player in the secret storage area. They can hear the following.) Greetings, officer. Can I interest you in some fresh leeks?
Guard: You there. What do you know about this?
Balki: About leeks? Quite a lot. You see, when you’re planting leek—
Guard: Is that so?
Balki: You didn’t quite let me finish there, sir. When you’re planting leeks, you need to—
Guard: You know what? You’re not worth the hassle. (Guard leaves.)
Balki: (Opening the secret hideout): All right, you can come out now.
Selection #6: Idle dialogue from various followers from my Skyrim mod as you wander the world.
Llenlea, in Falkreath: I think it’s cute how they’ve embraced the graveyard as a tourist attraction. Everything is named after death. Must be a hot spot for honeymooning necromancers.
Llenlea, in a Cave: I’d much rather do a tavern crawl than a cavern crawl.
Llenlea, at Giant Camp: So are there lady giants anywhere? Small laugh. Damn. Imagine the size of those tits!
Llenlea, reacting to Player shouting: I didn’t know you sang, darling. Not well, mind you, but even so.
Llenlea, if in a town near kids: Did I ever tell you about the time that I—Wait shit, no. There’s a child here. Sanguine’s fetching flin, I said shit! Agh! Twice! Fetching piss, I’m so sorry!
Tsashima, in Solitude: Why is it called Solitude? It is such a big city! Solitude must be hard to find here, no?
Tsashima, at Giant Camp: Sniff deeply. Ahhhh… This one has such a soft spot for mammoth cheese! Can we please go buy some from this giant? Please?
Tsashima, during Eclipse: Why is everyone so afraid? The sun goes away every day.
Tsashima, near a Nirnroot: BWAAA!!! BWAAA!!! Oh SHUT UP YOU SILLY PLANT!!! Tsashi has killed much stronger plants than you! They could move!
Tsashi, after burning beehives for a quest: The poor bees! They have done nothing wrong! Such tragedy that they must be caught up in these silly political games, no?
Veslen, in Morthal: This place smells of death. Vampires wander freely here. I’d stake my heart on it… Heh. Puns.
Veslen, if asked about how to learn Dragonrend: So… You think a good, loud fus ro dah won’t do it? Laugh. Sigh. No. Why in Oblivion would I know about ancient Nord things?
Veslen, if asked where to find an Elder Scroll: Have you tried the local general store? Laugh. Oh, I’m only joking. I have no idea.
Veslen, if asked about Mzulft focusing crystal: This may seem obvious, but it probably… focuses… crystals… Whatever that means.
Katja, in Dwemer Ruin: Laugh. You know those wall tubes that the Dwemer things come from? A friend of mine got stuck in one when we were children.
Katja, in Whiterun Hold: Laughter. Oh no… I camped over there with Saru once. Bandits stole my damn shoes! I made Saru carry me on his back halfway to Whiterun before he knew I was joking and dropped me in a pond.
Katja, Waking up after a drunken night out: What in Oblivion…? Damn. My head hurts worse than when I head-butted a statue the last time I was this drunk. Maybe I did that again.
Katja, going to save a goat from giants: I didn’t know you could speak to giants! I thought it was just dragons! Do we need to start calling you the Giantborn? Hm. Maybe not. That just makes you sound like a large baby.
Sathyr, near the 7000 steps: So it’s a really big staircase. Big deal. Humans are weird.
Sathyr, if follower, first time Miraak steals a dragon soul: Uh. Are you seeing this? I saw that guy in my dreams a few times and woke up halfway across Solstheim with a hammer and no pants.
Sathyr, waking up from a drunken night out: Ugh… It’s been a while since I’ve woken up in a brothel like this. The statues are nice to touch. Er. A nice touch. Wait a minute… Is this a Temple? To the Divines? Oh no. What have we done?
Lerelius, in any Divines Temple: AAAAHHHH!!! MY SKIN!!! MY FLESH!!! Laughing. Oh, I’m only joking with you. The real reason I avoid these places is because they’re ever so boring. Except the Temple of Dibella. That’s a proper temple if I’ve ever seen one.
Selection #7: A scene from The Fishes’ Snack, based on the story of Set taking the throne by chopping up Osiris, from Egyptian Mythology. A family dinner/double date of Isis & Osiris, Set & Nephthys, and the bastard son of Osiris & Nephthys, Anubis.
Isis: I’m so glad we can all get together as a family again!
Set: Yeah, sure, a family of assholes is great fun.
Isis: SET! My son is here!
Set: That’s not your son.
Osiris: Okay can we not go into this with my son right now, he’s just peacefully playing with Canopic jars in the corner!
Anubis: Brains are squishy. Did you know you can pull a brain out through a nose? (He pauses, fearful.) Uncle Set took my nose once… What if no one can ever pull my brain out to properly preserve it and—
Nephthys: You will be fine, my sweet. You are a god, you don’t get to die.
Anubis: Aw, but I read the Book of the Dead and I think I would be really good at doing all the steps!
Set: Okay so you can talk to your collective kid about death and mummification but not the truth of his cheating asshole parents???
Anubis: Babies are not born from assholes, Uncle Set. I know a lot about biology! Babies are actually created when—
Set: That’s. That’s great, Anubis. Seriously, you gave him the talk and you haven’t told him?
Osiris, Isis, & Nephthys: SHHH!
Anubis: Told me what? Dad did you lie to me about something?
Osiris: Of course not, my son. I am the king. I do not lie.
Set: Nephthys is your mom.
Osiris, Isis, & Nephthys: SET!!!
Nephthys: OH MY GODS IT WAS ONE TIME!
Set: ONE VERY PRODUCTIVE TIME, CLEARLY!
Selection #8: Another scene from The Fishes’ Snack. Set murders Osiris and cuts him up.
Osiris: My ears are open.
Set: Perfect. (He pours poison into Osiris’s ear.)
Osiris: Did. Did you just give me a really weird wet willy???
Set: WET WILLY OF DEATH!!!
(Osiris dies dramatically as Set laughs maniacally.)
Set: Now, here is how to carve up a body properly! Welcome to the Murder Show! (Jazz hands, whatever is appropriate. This should run like a Food Network show. He does as he narrates.) First, we have to put a sheet over him because, you know, respect for the dead or some shit. Then! We take a knife, and we start cutting him up beneath the fabric because I don’t like the sight of blood! Then you get a body chunk and you FLING IT OVER THERE! Then you get an arm and that gets flung OVER THERE! Ooh look a head! That gets flung FAR AWAY! (Pulls the dildo from the cloth.) Oh. Look. Another head. This one has a special fate so I’m just going to save it for later. (He sticks the dildo in the waistband of his pants. He hurriedly throws the other chunks of Osiris all over the stage, or perhaps into the front row idk. Depends how the audience is that night. Set starts crying dramatically. Isis runs in.)
Set: AHHHHHH OSIRIS EXPLODED I’M SO UPSET!!!
Selection #9: From book 1 of my fantasy series, narrated by a very young not-yet-king Arthur, where he and his adopted sister, Kay, meet Bedivere for the first time.
I leaned on my pitchfork and looked up at Augustus. “Must you eat so much?” Augustus snorted at me and pawed the ground with his hoof impatiently. I sighed deeply and hurled more hay into his trough.
“WART!” My sister yelled from somewhere outside the stables. “Wart! Come quickly!”
“Sorry, friend, Kay will kick me into the ground if I ignore her.” Augustus narrowed his eyes as if to say he would too. I sheepishly threw a handful of hay at his face and ran to find my sister.
She spotted me quickly and raced towards me, falcon in tow, and roughly grabbed both my shoulders. “Wart! There’s a strange boy on the beach.” She grinned mischievously. “Let’s go mess with him.”
“Oh, um… I have chores here… So do you… Sir Ector and Merlin will be—“
“Oh hush. Where’s your sense of adventure? Of fun?” She grabbed my doublet and dragged me towards the shore. I really had no choice when it came to things like this. She tugged me down behind a rock so quickly that I fell down. “Stay low.” She pointed to the boy. He sat alone on a rock on a leathery cloak of some kind. He wore no clothing.
“Where are his clothes?” I asked nervously.
Kay snickered. “I have no idea. Poor fool’s probably just swimming and left them somewhere. Or maybe that cloak is all he’s got… I’m going to steal it.”
I grabbed her doublet to try to stop her, and her falcon bit me. “Kay! Why would you do that?”
“Shh! It’ll be funny!” She narrowed her eyes at me. “If I screw this up, you’re my backup distraction. And if you screw this up…” She drew her thumb across her throat menacingly, and then stalked down towards the boy. I wanted to help him, but I knew better than to challenge Kay. She’d always be the stronger one of us.
Kay easily swiped the leather cloak and ran off, laughing maniacally. “HA! I GOT YOUR CLOTHES, LOSER!”
The boy stood, his face completely red. “H-hey! Give that back, beautiful creature!” He started to chase her, but stumbled in the sand after a few awkward steps. I cautiously approached the boy, taking off my cloak.
“Uh, hi. I’m sorry about my sister. Please take my cloak.”
The boy snatched my cloak and wrapped it around himself without so much as a thank you. His silvery eyes narrowed as he watched Kay sprint towards our home with his cloak. After a moment, he turned to me and wiped some of his damp, dark hair out of his face, revealing a long, pointed ear. “Take me to her. She knows not what she has done.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to beat her up?”
The strange boy blushed. “What? No! That is not our way.” He looked down at me with curiosity and fear. “Humans are even more strange than I had heard you were.” Unsure how to respond, I quietly led the strange boy back to our home. Sir Ector’s warnings about the Fair Folk echoed in my mind. I hoped Kay had not insulted some fey prince by stealing his clothes.
When we arrived back near the stables, Kay stood, waiting for us with a smug look on her face. She no longer had the cloak. The strange boy approached her. “My most fair lady trickster…” He gave her a slight bow and extended his hand to her. “Your cleverness and beauty are unmatched, and I am honored that we shall be wed.”
Kay’s smug grin dropped from her face, and then her head erupted with fire. I laughed hysterically. This was the strangest boy I had ever met, but it was truly glorious to watch my sister’s bullying backfire for once. He took her hand and twirled her into a dramatic dip. I felt tears of laughter run down my cheeks.
“My lady love, you hesitate? Or is the burning of your face a mirror to the burning passions of your heart?”
“I don’t even know your name!” Kay squeaked.
“Nor do I know yours, but I do know it shall be the sweetest sound to ever grace my ears. I am Bedivere.”
“Kay!”
“Ah, my sweet, fiery Kay… Would you like to dance with me?”
“Why?” Kay scrambled to get a footing on the ground.
“For you are my love, thief of my heart, thief of my skin—“
Kay steadied her feet for just enough time to flip Bedivere onto the ground. “Your skin? You appear to have still have your skin thoroughly intact.” She brushed herself off and crossed her arms.
“Are you saying it was fate that brought us together, not your knowledge of my kind?”
“My knowledge of what? Losers?”
“Ha! No, my sharp-tongued beauty! Selkies.”
Kay and I exchanged a glance. Merlin had warned us about the beings of the sea. Merrow, sirens, selkies, and all other corrupted creatures of Avalon. Beautiful, charming, and deadly…
“Oops.” Kay grimaced and called her falcon to her with a sharp whistle. “Fetch the cloak. Skin. Whatever.” Her falcon nodded and soared off into the forest. A few moments later, the falcon returned to her forearm with nothing in his talons. “What do you mean it wasn’t there?” She hissed at the bird. The falcon took to the air and Kay gestured for the two of us to follow. Kay climbed up a tree, following her falcon, while Bedivere and I waited. “God’s Blood!” She yelled from the branches.
“Did you find my cloak, dear?” Bedivere called softly.
Kay quickly descended through the branches and landed at our feet. “Uh. No. It seems I have lost it.”
Selection #10: From book 5 of my fantasy series, narrated by the many-named, many-lived son of Percival the Grail King, when he is captured in swan-form in Renaissance Italy.
Shit. Not again. Not this goddamn bullshit again! I banged my feathered head against the bars of the cage and honked desperately at the asshole who had captured me, “Sir! You do not want to eat me! I am indeed a person! I am not a bird all the damn time! For the love of God!”
The asshole shushed me angrily and yelled something about “the noisy one being half off.”
I honked louder in displeasure, flapping my wings as best I could in distress. Damn it. This was not how I wanted to die. Some damn noble’s feast. The sick part of me wondered if I would transform back into a person when I died, or if I’d be stuck as a swan when I was roasted and eaten.
A distressingly handsome man walked up to the stall. He looked sadly in my direction. His eyes were gorgeous. I squawked awkwardly in response and tripped over my own damn webbed feet, landing directly on my feathery bum. The handsome man smiled a little and shook his head, still watching me flail around awkwardly. “How much for that swan?” Dear sweet Jesus. I’m going to die because a handsome man wanted to eat me for literal dinner. I buried my head under my wing, not actually wanting to know how cheap I was bought for. I felt my cage lift and slowly peeked my head out from under my wing.
“Hey there, piccolino. It’s going to be all right,” The handsome man cooed at me. I squeaked and nearly shat myself in response. He walked a little ways out of the town and set the cage down near a river. Oh for fucks sake. He’s going to drown me. The pretty ones always have to be the most deadly, don’t they? I began to panic and honked and flailed around desperately. The man knelt beside my cage with a concerned look on his face. Well. He certainly didn’t look like the type of person who would drown me… He reached into his bag and pulled out a slice of bread. He tore off a piece and extended his hand to me. “It’s okay, caro. I won’t hurt you.”
I gingerly extended my neck and took the cube of bread from his hand. He held his hand towards me to pat my head or something. I nuzzled into his hand, hoping that if I won him over with my cuteness, he might let me out of this damn cage. He laughed softly and gave me a little scratch under the chin. I made a truly embarrassing delighted peep. He laughed a little more heartily and carefully opened the door to my cage. He was releasing me?
I cautiously waddled out of the cage and awkwardly flapped about, glad to finally stretch my wings again. “Thank you, you beautiful man!” He did not respond with anything but a small giggle at my antics, and I realized then that when I was a swan, apparently people did not understand me. Great. The man reached for another bit of bread. I waddled to him and eagerly took the bread. There was no easy way to transform back now, not if I wanted to see this man again and thank him for saving my life properly. I would either have to risk it now and accept his reaction, never see him again, or find him again somehow and never speak of this again.
The man knelt down beside me and stroked my head and neck. I accepted the attention gladly. He gently kissed the top of my head and that’s when my brilliant idea happened. I transformed back into myself.
“Dio santo! A swan prince?!” The handsome man stumbled backwards, nearly as awkwardly as I had in the cage. His face had gone completely red.
I smiled to myself and walked over to him with far more grace than I ever could muster as a swan. I extended my hand to him. “Precisely. Thank you for saving my life, darling… I am Lorenzo.”
He took my hand. “Leonardo.”